Its been a while i posted,I even forgot my password at one time......I wasn't bothered,though cos I consider this an online diary since nobody hardly visits...so I can post as sporadically as I so desire..albeit without revealing my identity.

I suffered a major loss late last year and it totally destabilized me,infact I'm yet to get my bearing...I lost someone really close to me after a long battle with cardiovascular ailment,diabetes and the likes..I watched the person wither away on the hospital bed,I watched a grown up adult reduce to a little kid (yea,it was that bad)....

A friend lost his mum some years back and when the news got to me and a mutual friend,she went totally ballistic and I was sad,yeah but I just looked at the other girl going all sentimental and stuff and the following conversation ensued,

Me; "babe,did u know Tobi'(not real name)s mum?"
She;"No"
Me; "then why are crying like you are member of their family? Me that have known them for over 8yrs sef didn't cry reach you that just met him last year......lemme hear word,abeg.

I'll never forget the look she gave me.....three yearslater,I called her and retracted my words,I called him and I apologized profusely for not feeling his pain(his mum died of cancer).now I have firsthand experience on feeling people's pain when it involves death and terminal diseases.its no fun at all and I never wish it not even on my worst enemy.

Sometimes I wonder why people have to suffer so much pain,eventually pass away,money wasted,drugs wasted,all the stress,worries and stuff.I saw a story and a pic of a girl who died of cancer of the bone,she was so deformed and I just imagined how much pain she must have been going through,all the pain her condition must have caused her family and I felt sad.

The word of God tells us God doesn't desire for to die early or live in illness rather we are meant to live in good health and. Vitality so what went wrong with the plan??what food or drink ain't we ought to be consuming in order avoid these ailments since God said we can eat and drink as we like?....questions,questions and more questions!not one answer!

I have no answer too,all I no I prefer people age and die peacefully in their sleep or something than go through so much and still end up dying....

Ultimate Search........

I lie on this bed and am starring at the ceiling,thots all jumbled up in my head,worries clogging my heart....and am wondering where to start this from,wondering if its appropriate to write this here??
But then I realise,WTH,it my page....I guess I will start the very beginning!!

Its funny how everything looks so simple,easy and well-laid out as teenager...you see the future as a place that fits itself into the right place as times goes by..how wrong!when the bubble bursted is the mystery...when did the fairy tale end?when did the plans changed?when did the years roll by?...*sighs*
Its was fun being highly sought after amongst my peers,it gave me so much thrill to watch older guys/men chasing me all over and me fronting and enjoying the attention,love and marriage seem so like a million years away....do I regret now?I dunno!!what if I had started a relationship with an older guy and he had totally messed me up??!...what if I did and am married by now with a kid??!...well,now I'll never know!
I finally fall in love after all the voltron(strong inpenetratable) years and alas,it was all wrong!!(Or was it??)He was handsome,very nice,very gentle,physically he was any girl's dream,any mother's pride but it was all wrong from the start,too intense,too much emotions,too much pain,too much squabbles till the split then the heal up process began with so much dos and don'ts note on the next guy....

Its been 3yrs..the next guy seems elusive....like he's intentionally hiding... The next guy..Mr right or Mr available,should I marry a man I love or that loves me more?should I marry a man I can have a hold on so I can control?should I change the kinda guys I like to the kind I can be safe with?do I marry man with money and love would come later?etc...and the questions keep piling...

I have met all sorts,I have gone on so many dates,the catcalls and admiration doesn't dwindle but why is my MAN refusing to find me??does he realise am growing older by the seconds?where on earth is he?etc...then the grand question how do I know its him when he comes??
All these questions bugs my daily existence,beneath the smile,the humour,the gaiety synonymous with me,the worries lie,the pain eats at my heart..everytime I get invited to a friends wedding or introduction,mine skips a bit den the famed smile takes over!..the joy of d bride-to-be is contagious..when will I share mine with others?

Some months ago,I share a gist about a dude trying to get fresh...its official now,he likes me!!..how I feel?....I dunno!!its complicated!!

Considering my age and all,its not a wise relationship to dabble into..why?ok>1.he's jus a year or 2yrs older than me
2.Although done with school,He's still writing professional exams and he doesn't work yet.3.he doesn't really fit into the kind of dude I want..

Now the clause is I actually do like him!!I think about him constantly in the last couple of days...*whispering*i kissed him and I liked it!!!!ok,its not konji-induced likeness!
He's the first person am kissing since my ex and I actually feel a tingle in my body,I didn't wanna stop!I kissed him public too and I was didn't feel no shame,I just felt complete.....hmmmm

But the question is should I chill here where my heart feels so peace and happiness?....chilling here means patience,means I can't be in a rush to get married,means starting from the scratch with only hope and hardwork as partner....
Or should I keep moving,something better will def be available up front...maybe my spec,a relatively comfortable dude,ready to settle later in the year or next year..

Now,what if I move and I don't find nothing but sweet nothings and empty promises.....
What if I meet a better,made guy but even though I don't love him,I like him atleast and so long as I get married soonest even if I have to live in misery for life or wind up divorced in a couple of years...

What if I stay right at this bus stop,make it my last..give it my all and when its all set and done,he regards me as too old to settle with.....

Finally,what if I stay here and work at it and it all works in the end albeit a bit late.....

So much questions,not one answer.....
Why isn't there some sort of brochure to come with this search?why isn't there like a life coach or something?!

Exactly how do I manage to still wake up and laugh and go about my usual business considering this weight on my mind??

I guess its the strenght from within and the promise of the author and finisher of my faith who says "He will never forsake me""all things shall work together for me because I Love Him"


Xoxo

Pleased to meet me.......

Pleased to meet me.......

Randomly random........

Its been awhile I blogged....I ve been so busy n all....


Thanks to everyone who took time to visit n read!thanks!

Also,to the person who gave me the advice on my layout,thanks!.....(Noted)

I really wish I can blog everyday,I really do.... but typing can be so tiresome especially when one has had a long n tiring day....

I got so much I need 2 put here....but first,I want whoever is reading to meet whoisblogging!!

Facts about me: COMing Up..


Xoxo.

Seriously............

Reading thru my friend's note on facebook where she was lamenting about not finding a spouse n all d deceit men display in her various relationship!so I Attended a friend's introduction 2day n it got me in a reflective mood.about d irony of dis world!!!
Ok,d bride-2-b is my very good friend n her mum chased her outta d house bout a year ago,said she shld go n marry!its funny but wat if d guy she gone 2 co-habitate wi does not marry her??I hear different stories bout relationships n although de don scare me but I jus wonder!sum people sy de r no men available but I believe de r men available as well as women 2 are available but de r very few marriageable materials available!!!!

D rate at which everyone is clamouring 4 dis wedding thingy ain't funny at all!!I mean,even 21yrs old chick r crazy bout it!ladies of nowadays will take any crap jus 2 bear a man's name n make her friends buy asoebi!!!

I ve come 2 realise dat although love is essential in a union but de r sum basic issues love can never simplify rather it will complicate it!!me I wan 2 marry oh but am not ready 2 compromise!!!selfish I may sound but I no wat am worth n who am worth n I wouldn't settle 4 less!

I guess I ve vented enuf!!

Xoxo.....

Frenemies............

She is my friend but she is forever criticizing every move or action I take,I always accept dis in good faith outwardly whilst sulkin inside(I no,am a coward,I no!)I later realise dis is her exact attitude 2wards other people!!!its she who would see d fault in everytin dat anyone does so tay,wen we go weddings 2gether she go begin redesign bride's dress 4 where we siddon!na u no pass?!abegi,lemme hear word,madam knowall!

Anyway,d one dat affects me is she is supposedly my good friend n all but she always searchin 4 avenues 2 do a put-down number on me,at first I tot it was unintentional but I later realised it was a way of makin feel little n na only me 2 de treat lik dat!I don blame her sha,wen mesef will b maintain n behavin like mumu 4 everybody!I been de nice b4 but now?!WAR!!

Another crazy attitude of hers is formin carin as in serious one oh!meanwhile all na lie!she would always prode u 4 gist bout ur relationship if u start givin her happy tales,she find way 2 change matter,eithering by fillin u wi her perfect relationship or she would start all dis cunny,rhetorical analysis of men n der unpredictability but if u begin lament bout ow bobo no de treat u well,she is ready 2 hear n all!

Infact I am tired n I ve decided 2 take d bull by d horn!yes,I ve vexed.......!I ve labelled her as my frenemy so if she dares make any attempt at a put-down or BS talk,I counter wi 100% alacrity n extra-painful jibs!!mean,I no but trust me,she is meaner!

SYL!
Xoxo......