I lie on this bed and am starring at the ceiling,thots all jumbled up in my head,worries clogging my heart....and am wondering where to start this from,wondering if its appropriate to write this here??
But then I realise,WTH,it my page....I guess I will start the very beginning!!
Its funny how everything looks so simple,easy and well-laid out as teenager...you see the future as a place that fits itself into the right place as times goes by..how wrong!when the bubble bursted is the mystery...when did the fairy tale end?when did the plans changed?when did the years roll by?...*sighs*
Its was fun being highly sought after amongst my peers,it gave me so much thrill to watch older guys/men chasing me all over and me fronting and enjoying the attention,love and marriage seem so like a million years away....do I regret now?I dunno!!what if I had started a relationship with an older guy and he had totally messed me up??!...what if I did and am married by now with a kid??!...well,now I'll never know!
I finally fall in love after all the voltron(strong inpenetratable) years and alas,it was all wrong!!(Or was it??)He was handsome,very nice,very gentle,physically he was any girl's dream,any mother's pride but it was all wrong from the start,too intense,too much emotions,too much pain,too much squabbles till the split then the heal up process began with so much dos and don'ts note on the next guy....
Its been 3yrs..the next guy seems elusive....like he's intentionally hiding... The next guy..Mr right or Mr available,should I marry a man I love or that loves me more?should I marry a man I can have a hold on so I can control?should I change the kinda guys I like to the kind I can be safe with?do I marry man with money and love would come later?etc...and the questions keep piling...
I have met all sorts,I have gone on so many dates,the catcalls and admiration doesn't dwindle but why is my MAN refusing to find me??does he realise am growing older by the seconds?where on earth is he?etc...then the grand question how do I know its him when he comes??
All these questions bugs my daily existence,beneath the smile,the humour,the gaiety synonymous with me,the worries lie,the pain eats at my heart..everytime I get invited to a friends wedding or introduction,mine skips a bit den the famed smile takes over!..the joy of d bride-to-be is contagious..when will I share mine with others?
Some months ago,I share a gist about a dude trying to get fresh...its official now,he likes me!!..how I feel?....I dunno!!its complicated!!
Considering my age and all,its not a wise relationship to dabble into..why?ok>1.he's jus a year or 2yrs older than me
2.Although done with school,He's still writing professional exams and he doesn't work yet.3.he doesn't really fit into the kind of dude I want..
Now the clause is I actually do like him!!I think about him constantly in the last couple of days...*whispering*i kissed him and I liked it!!!!ok,its not konji-induced likeness!
He's the first person am kissing since my ex and I actually feel a tingle in my body,I didn't wanna stop!I kissed him public too and I was didn't feel no shame,I just felt complete.....hmmmm
But the question is should I chill here where my heart feels so peace and happiness?....chilling here means patience,means I can't be in a rush to get married,means starting from the scratch with only hope and hardwork as partner....
Or should I keep moving,something better will def be available up front...maybe my spec,a relatively comfortable dude,ready to settle later in the year or next year..
Now,what if I move and I don't find nothing but sweet nothings and empty promises.....
What if I meet a better,made guy but even though I don't love him,I like him atleast and so long as I get married soonest even if I have to live in misery for life or wind up divorced in a couple of years...
What if I stay right at this bus stop,make it my last..give it my all and when its all set and done,he regards me as too old to settle with.....
Finally,what if I stay here and work at it and it all works in the end albeit a bit late.....
So much questions,not one answer.....
Why isn't there some sort of brochure to come with this search?why isn't there like a life coach or something?!
Exactly how do I manage to still wake up and laugh and go about my usual business considering this weight on my mind??
I guess its the strenght from within and the promise of the author and finisher of my faith who says "He will never forsake me""all things shall work together for me because I Love Him"
Xoxo
